Poop On Today...

"Poop on today...I tried to make a positive recovery, but even I am not that positive all the time...glad it is over. I want to have a glass of wine and carve pumpkins, but neither is a safe solo activity for me...I need my husband."


And that is my current Facebook status ladies and gentlemen.


I know I have a history of sarcasm here in safe-to-express-myself-ville, but in most facets of my life I'm a friggin Pollyanna. Usually my FB status reflects a dance party I am having with my toddlers or the endearing quirky hijinks my husband and I are getting ourselves into while being zen vegans. These FB statuses [or statai] reflect the truth, they're just limited to the aren't you jealous of my beach life moments...usually. Today sucked so hardcore (hopefully that last phrase does not affect how this blog comes up in Google) and I had to go global with my feelings. 


The Hubby (hate that word) is still commuting half the week to the last town we lived in to take care of his clients there as we struggle to build up his Massage Therapy clientele here. You know how absence makes the heart grow fonder, well that only applies to us if we limit our interactions to text and email. My theory is that we are both stressed when we're apart because we have formed some sort of dysfunctional team over the last couple of years...especially when it comes to wrangling our kids and keeping track of his keys, wallet, phone, laptop, favorite hat, nail clippers, shoes, the certain type of socks that he likes to wear when he works...He has trouble getting ready and leaving the house without me and I have trouble disciplining the girls without him. When we're apart we get stressed, then within the first 5 minutes of a phone conversation we both want to play the I had the worst day card. We end up taking it out on each other and neither one of us receives the sympathy or encouragement we were craving...P.s. we are both the babies in our families...makes for a very tricky personality combo in marriage. 


Anyhoo as of right now we're barely speaking besides brief business related emails. My 1 year old screamed all day about mysterious things she could not successfully communicate which made her scream even more and my 2 year old decided to try her hand at lying, choking her sister and throwing a sippy cup at my butt when she realized it didn't have "joosh" in it. I feel completely buried in housework and work-work that I so perkily promised my husband I'd take care of. Everything I tried to do was completely undone by 2 precious girls who so badly needed every ounce of my attention and affection today...Yet I tried to do it all while parenting on the shortest fuse ever. 


The 2 year old is a genius...freaky photographic memory genius...she will remember today and she's gonna grow up weird or be "that kid" because of my mommy dearest behavior. When she gets within 2 miles of our house, her grandparents house, her aunt's house, her aunt's work...she knows exactly where she is and can give directions the rest of the way. The other day she told her daddy that she liked his sacred heart tattoo... she is 2 years old and doesn't miss a beat...my ass is grass if this child ever goes to counseling. I didn't do anything worthy of the government removing my kids, but there definitely was not the normal pre and post timeout discussions. There was yelling and I cried once, though I may have been able to hide it from her, either way it made her laugh. Seriously what was my deal? I know 2 year olds test, that's what they do...today I failed the 2 year old test.


After they were in bed, I felt lonely. I felt like a bad wife and a bad mom. Usually at the end of the day I chalk myself up as human and cut myself some slack, but tonight is different. Do you ever feel like a mental pep talk isn't enough? That nice and polite facebook comments from facebook "friends" aren't enough? That you just need a big fat humungous real life tangible hug from someone in the same room who completely understands and appreciates you not because your fishin for it but because of an intense need to love you just as you are despite the ugliness of days like today? Bleh! 


Tomorrow my kids are going to know they are loved like crazy despite their antics...it's necessary...my heart is aching for it at the moment and I've been blessed and entrusted with the responsibility of letting them know that they matter...will do.


So today's entry wasn't about food, or diet, or whatever it is that I usually go on about... it certainly was however therapy for me. Oh here's something for you...After I put my kids to bed and checked my phone for the hundredth time to see if my husband accidentally sent me an I love you text, I ate a non-raw non-vegan english muffin toasted at a nutrition scorching 350 degrees with butter (from a cow) and sugar filled strawberry jam on it...then I had instant diarrhea yet felt like I gained 100 gazillion pounds mainly in my upper arms somehow...moral if you're gonna stress eat, make vegan raw cookie dough or guac...don't spend the rest of the night sulking on the toilet.