With the Exception of Taco Tuesdays: Sure I Have Good Reason, But Not If It Ends Up Becoming An Excuse.

I have 2 daughters, just 13 months apart in age, a 2 year old and a 1year old…I'm tired. I am writing today from a pediatric surgery waiting room. My youngest is having major surgery today. She isn't quite 16 months old and this isn't her first surgery and it probably won't be her last.

I know my blog seems pretty self-indulgent and even more self-deprecating, but keep in mind it is my only outlet. My daughters don't know that weight is an issue for anyone let alone their mommy. They don't know that I "un-tag" myself as soon as I see unflattering pictures surface on Facebook…right before I do a dance unto the god of ex-boyfriends and high school "frenemies" praying that none of the above saw them. I get all the junk out here in cyber-world so that in my home I can be their beautiful healthy strong mama…I am not saying I fake who I am to them…I am a healthy beautiful woman, it just takes a lot of strength to be that kind of example and here on this blog I get to take a break and get things out. In the real world, I promise I am not letting my girls run rampant while I stand crying on my scale in my elastic waisted pants asking my 2 year old, why doesn't your father get me? In the real world I am chasing them down the beach, feeding them healthy snacks, teaching them how to perfectly deliver a punch line and how to count in Deutsch…eat that Dora.

My youngest daughter was born with bi-lateral grade 5 hydronephrosis…basically she has kidney reflux, meaning that rather than draining out through her bladder, her urine goes back up into her kidneys due to a blockage in her ureters (the little hoses connecting the kidneys to the bladder). Most kids with Hydronephrosis have a lesser grade on only one side and will grow out of it naturally by one year of age. She has the highest grade on both sides with no end in sight. Her ureters are not just blocked, but they are severely kinked and twisted. We recently learned that her right kidney had not been draining at all so they placed a nephrostomy tube into her right kidney coming directly out of her back draining into a bag that we keep belted around her waist.

I am here with her at the children's hospital every 2-3 weeks to treat severe kidney infections. The hospital is about 3 hours away from our home and we are usually here for about a week at a time. When we are here we are typically apart from my husband and my two year old. My sleep is lacking during that time and I usually don't get to leave her hospital room for more than 15 minutes a day. She has been on antibiotics daily since the day she was born to prevent kidney damaging UTI's and I think she is no longer sensitive to most antibiotics so they rarely do much to prevent infection anymore.

The frequent hospital stays started back in February…I was 150 lbs then…by May I had gained 33 lbs and have floundered between 177 and 183. During this time I've also gotten my first cyst in probably 5 or 6 years and my periods started becoming irregular. In addition to a new sedentary, stressful hospital life, I am definitely battling PCOS again.

Prior to this I hadn't had a cyst since I was 25, because I had found the right birth control pill (Yaz), lost a lot of weight, then I was either pregnant or breastfeeding. Oddly enough it seams that my hormones are happiest and my weight is the easiest to control when I am breastfeeding…I only gained 25 lbs with my first pregnancy and lost it in 20 days…let me say that again, in fact let me yell it this time…I LOST ALL OF MY BABY WEIGHT IN 20 DAYS!!! Then in the next 40 days I lost an additional 14 lbs…I hadn't seen that weight on a scale in a whole decade! This was just in time for my wedding day. We were married only 2 months after our first daughter was born and I felt fabulous!

It feels like I spend a lot of time feeling discouraged and no time taking care of myself these days. I have to find a way. I have to find opportunities and I have to remember to take them. It's funny, a big theme in my blog is to not compare myself to others who I believe have it easier…I also need to stop comparing my current circumstances to the events surrounding my previous weight loss…Maybe a bigger theme in my blog needs to be that nothing is impossible for ME…present day, 31 year old, busy hospital-mom…ME!

OH, I almost forgot…I know my thoughts are all over the place, but I don't know how else to get it all out, so track with me…I had a eureka moment this morning and I must share! My daughter needed to have some blood work done before surgery this morning. I was holding her down assisting the man sticking her with needles as I have countless times before. She screamed and looked at me with questioning eyes as I spoke to her in a loving tone with a broken heart knowing full well it would be years before I could explain and reason with her as to why she had to go through these things…that I was holding her and forcing her to experience this pain because I loved her…because hopefully it was fixing her. Though it is hard for me to type this without welling up, this was not the Eureka moment…I have often thought of this and have drawn a parallel to God's love for me and why I've had to experience certain things. Here is what I realized today, the second it was over she reached out for me…she called out for me. I was able to soothe her almost instantly, she hadn't lost any trust in me. She was ready to move on and not waste any time dwelling…it was like she knew she needed to make the most of it before the next nurse or doctor walked in the room and as long as I was in reach everything was fine. I haven't suffered half as much as this baby in my 31 years…why am I not as resilient? Why do I float from one disaster to the next…why don't I make the most of the time between even if it is only a few minutes? Why don't I trust myself as much as she trusts me...why don't I love myself as much?

High School (duh)
Even though I got my first cyst at age 15,
I didn't have issues with my weight until after graduation.

I rapidly gained almost 90 lbs in less then 2 years
reaching an all time high of 209 lbs.
I battled my weight for almost 8 years,
infertile the entire time.

This picture was taken less then a year later. I lost 53 lbs
in less then 5 months.
I believe it was a combination
of Yaz birth control pills,
intense cardio workouts
and a low calorie diet.